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My sister is turning 30 years old tomorrow. This birthday is going to be like any other because, for the first time in 30 years, I won’t be able to wish her a happy birthday in person, nor will I be able to hug her. Something so simple as a hug has now turned into life or death. It has also become a simple reminder of not taking anything for granted. Realizing that I’m unable to hug my sister on her birthday breaks my heart. Still, it has also made me realize how meaningful my relationship with her is.
My sister and I are 20 months apart, her being the younger one. Growing up, we fought like cats and dogs over toys, clothes, and even friends. She was the annoying little sister, and I was the mean big sister. But no matter how much we fought, we would always make up and be friends at the end of the day. After all, we were partners in crime. The only person I could count on to partake in any kind of crazy plot that I came up with and also the only one who would have my back no matter what.
Over the years, our sisterly bond dynamic has shifted and changed. We are no longer convincing each other to climb on the roof of the house or chasing each other around, ready to strangle each other. Instead, we are each other’s friend that we call when we need someone to listen to us vent, to cry, or to laugh. Don’t get me wrong, our relationship is far from perfect. We still get mad at each other, hang up on each other, and have arguments, but now it’s over real-life situations. Well, sometimes it’s about clothes too, because some things never change. My sister is my best friend and my best enemy. We can talk about everything and fight over anything. Although I won’t be able to give her a hug on her birthday, I can do what I do best and write about how much she means to me and why I love her. The following is my birthday letter to my sister, Diora.
Happy birthday to the person who never ceases to amaze me. The girl who always seems to have life figured out. Your caring heart and desire to help others are an inspiration for all of us around you. Big sisters are supposed to be the ones who lead the path and light the way, but instead, I’ve admired you as you have created your own. Over the years, you’ve become the example that I wish to follow. You are compassionate, loving, determined, and ambitious. It is your drive to excel in whatever you do that will always lead you down the path to your dreams. Although you are an independent, hard-working, driven woman, you have a sense of humor like no other. That childish side that likes to laugh and joke around, it’s that spark of crazy that you only share with those closest to you, and it brightens up our days. If there is one word that I could use to describe how I feel about you besides love, it would be pride. I’m so proud of the woman that you have become. You never cease to amaze me. Not being able to spend your birthday together has only made me realize how blessed I am to have you as a sister, travel partner, and best friend. I love you more than words will ever be able to express, and I hope you have a fantastic birthday.
Quarantine has taken control of most people’s lives by now, which has brought up many ideas on what each of us should be doing to remain productive. One of the things that most people are doing during these times is watching to see what others do via social media. Being on social media during these times has us not only peaking into someone else’s world, but it is also forcing us to take a look inside our own. Watching other people live their best quarantine lives, create fantastic art, or always talk about how they’ve had a productive day can be quite exhausting, and it can also force us to judge ourselves for not doing the same. Don’t get me wrong, I applaud anyone who is taking this time to be productive, but for some of us, we need this moment to rest and reset. We need time to face our inner demons and work on our souls because being “busy” was keeping us from doing the actual work required.
In today’s society, the idea of being productive reinforces a constant need to be busy. The busier we are, the more successful we will be, at least that’s what the world makes us believe. Trust me, even I am guilty of thinking that the more a body is in motion, the more it gets accomplished, but what staying in place has taught me is that being busy isn’t always best.
When we first started to quarantine, my mind was all over the place, and all I kept thinking was, “How am I going to survive without a job?” “What am I going to do with my time?” “How am I going to stay busy and be productive?” “How can I make sure I stay healthy and that my mom stays healthy?” It was a nonstop reel of worry and fear. I went from having a good chunk of my life “figured out” to not having a clue what I am going to do, and this ignited an unexpected dark spiral downwards. While I was freaking out on the inside, I tried to keep my composure on the outside until finally, I broke down.
My breakdown was triggered by doing what once was a simple thing. I went to buy groceries for my mom and me and just the anxiety of finding everything we needed, and not knowing what we would do if I couldn’t find certain things was nerve-racking. Once I got everything into the car, I sat there and just cried. I never imagined seeing myself in a position where I didn’t have a solution or a way to get myself out of a problem, and here I was, no solution or quick fix in sight. I felt desperate, distressed, and pathetic. Crying in my car was the breaking point that I needed. It forced me to let go. The tears streaming down my face were the physical release of all of the stress and fear that had built up in my body and my mind.
It was after my meltdown that I decided that I would not let this situation get the best of me in any way, not physically, emotionally, or mentally. I decided that I wasn’t going to feed into the fear of the unknown, and instead, I was going to embrace the gift that the universe was handing me; time. Time to learn how to rest, to focus on what I genuinely want, and to reset my life.
Having time to relax and to go inside my own thoughts and desires has not only revealed new things about myself that were waiting to be discovered and uncovered, but it also made me question why do I have this constant need to be doing something. The truth is, just like the majority of humans, there are things that I’d prefer not to think about; therefore, I find a way to occupy my mind. This doesn’t just subdue the thoughts, but it also clutters the brain. Now that I’m at home with ample time to think, it has allowed me to see the ways that I try to avoid certain emotions and thoughts throughout the day, and it’s forced me to actually sit with them and confront them.
For some people, the thought of having to face our own thoughts may provoke fear or anxiety, and it’s understandable, but I do believe that this time has been gifted to use to do just that. Although, I find it wonderful that some people are still able to be extremely productive during these times, honestly, kudos to them. But to anyone who is struggling with adapting to these new times and finding themselves not being as “productive” as before, it’s okay. If you struggle to accomplish what were once routine tasks, don’t beat yourself up over it. Allow yourself this time to rest and search within. Ask yourself if these tasks genuinely make you feel fulfilled, or were they just filling time? By forcing us to put our lives on pause, the universe has now opened the door to discover our own truths, passions, and desires. Let this be the moment that you unearth what it is that makes you joyful.
Although the concept of resting and resetting was previously foreign to me, I’m taking advantage of this abundance of time and dedicating it to learning how to not be busy all the time. While others are busy working on their side hustle, inventing the next best thing, making extravagant meals from scratch, or reading a year’s worth of books, I’m working on resting and resetting. I’m living in the present and not worrying over what the future may bring. I’m allowing myself to rest, to feel, and to work through my emotions, and to simply be. And this, for now, is more than enough.
Since the COVID-19 pandemic hit, everyone is facing challenging times ahead. People, like myself, have lost their jobs, and the future is uncertain. One question that I have gotten since mass hysteria hit has been, “As a traveler, how does this make you feel?”
Honestly, as a traveler, this is probably my worst nightmare come true. Having to stay put in one place for an extended period has never been a department that I excel in. I’m always on the go. Even when I’m not traveling, I find a way to be doing something. It can be work or leisure, but it’s hard to stay in my house for longer than a day. My closest friends even say that my Instagram stories exhaust them because I’m always doing something.
When news of the COVID-19 first came out, I was traveling in Panamá. I, just like many other travelers, brushed it off as not a big deal. The world, in general, seemed not to pay it much attention and brushed it off as just a simple cold. I didn’t want to alarm myself over something that appeared to be contained to only Asia while I was, in fact, in Central America far, far away from the epicenter of the madness. Thinking back on this rationalization, it was pretty ignorant to assume that in today’s day and times where travel is so easy that the virus wouldn’t spread quickly. Jump to today, March 26th, and the virus has spread across the entire globe.
Luckily, I was already back at my home before all hell broke loose. As a traveler, I would typically be all in for being stranded somewhere and just taking it day by day and figuring it out. Right now, if I were to be stranded somewhere, not knowing if my family is safe, I would probably lose my mind. My adventurous side has currently taken a back seat, and my family, my health, and their health has taken priority over everything. I’m concerned with the survival of the ones I love during all of this. I’m praying for everyone around the world. The ones who are suffering because of the virus, whether they have it themselves or have lost a loved one from it.
Although my focus has shifted, this doesn’t mean that I have totally forgotten about travel; it has actually made me appreciate more. I have been looking back on photos and video clips of places I’ve seen around the world. Now, more than ever, I realize how privileged I am. I have been able to see many parts of the world and soak in cultural experiences that not many people can say that they have had. I have been watching GoPro videos of my last sunset on the beach in Panamá, looking at pictures with friends around the old part of the city, and other photos and videos I took while I was there. These fleeting moments have now become cherished memories.
Once the quarantine is over, and we are allowed to freely move about the world, I plan on creating more memories and traveling to more exotic locations. If this quarantine has reiterated anything for me, it’s that when this life is over, I will be taking nothing with me. The only thing we will take with us is the memories that we make. What stays embedded in my brain during this chaos are the images of beautiful sunsets, gazing at the stars with my mom during summer, dancing with friends, walking on beautiful islands, listening to a stranger’s story, and sharing a coffee with a new friend. These are the moments that are engraved in my mind. The moments that I value and cherish now more than ever are the ones that seemed so simple at the time that they were happening.
I can’t speak for every traveler around the world because we are all different, and we are all dealing with this pandemic in distinct ways, but for now, I plan to continue to live in the moment. Worry less about the future and focus on the now. This doesn’t mean that I won’t continue to dream about foreign places and possible trips. Right now, dreams of freedom and unfamiliar places are the glue that is keeping me together at times. Until the last day of this arrives, I’ll continue to live through my photos and videos and vicariously through other travelers’ videos and pictures of places I’ve not yet been to. This also may be the spark that will light the fire for others to want to venture out and see the world. I choose to remain hopeful that this will trigger a positive shift in our mindsets and light a fire in our hearts to continue to explore the world. In the meantime, I’ll let my wings rest like the rest of the world.
One year. Three hundred sixty-five days since I physically felt my heart shatter when I heard my mom say the words, “Your dad had a heart attack and passed away in his sleep.” Honestly, I never expected to listen to those words.
When someone tells you that a loved one has passed away, the very first thing that happens is disbelief. You refuse to believe what you just heard. Your brain hears the words, but it does not process them. A feeling of shock and disbelief sweep across your whole body, and the feeling in the moments that follow can be best described as hollow.
How can you accept that someone that you love is no longer here? Especially when you just saw that person two days prior. People try to console you with words of condolence and encouragement, but mentally and physically, you are numb. A tornado could have come and swept me off of the ground I was standing on, and I wouldn’t have felt a thing. That is how numb and lost I was. Physically, I was on Earth; internally, I was in a black hole of numbness and disbelief.
The initial numbness doesn’t wear off within a few days, like most of us would like or want to believe would happen. Sometimes it doesn’t even hit at first. It comes in waves. And instead of allowing ourselves time to process the information and emotions that come along with the passing of a loved one, we immediately occupy ourselves. There are services to be arranged, flowers to be bought, and making the decision on how the family shall say their final farewell. What follows the time of death is days of constant planning and preparing that keeps your mind occupied and unavailable to focus on your feelings. We don’t allow ourselves the time to process what has just happened, so leading up to the funeral or service, bottle your grief up and place it on a shelf to the side so you can take care of things. It only subdues the grief and pain temporarily. Once the funeral process is over, you truly begin to feel the loss.
The dust settles, and family and friends return to their routines and daily lives, and you sit and wonder how you could live the same life that you did before you lost your love one. You are there, alone, left with the task of gathering the broken pieces of your heart and piecing them back together slowly. No one can prepare you for the mental spiral that is to come — the questioning of what you could have done differently. I asked myself how I could have been a better daughter. I had a good relationship with my dad, and I never thought that I would question if I was present enough in his life or if I spent enough time with him. After he died, I began to replay every single missed opportunity that I could have spent with him and even blamed myself for having a social life and not dedicating more time to my family. I felt guilty for creating a life for myself that didn’t include seeing or talking to him daily.
If being filled with these thoughts while I was awake wasn’t enough, my dreams were also about my dad. One dream in particular that I had almost every night after he passed was him wearing a black tuxedo, and we were standing outside of a concrete building with a red door. He flicked his cigarette out and took a look at me with his bright blue eyes and said, “Let’s do this.” Then he wrapped his arm around my shoulder, kissed me on the forehead, and we started walking towards the door. I had hoped that my dreams would be of something else, something that wouldn’t reflect my sadness, but there was no escaping it, not even in my dreams. I was trapped within my mind, and there was no way out.
Honestly, I never thought that losing my dad would be so painful or throw me into a spiral of intense grief and depression. I had dealt with death and grief previously. When I was 17 years old, my biological father passed away from cancer the morning after my high school graduation. With his passing, I was catapulted into dealing with grief while also transitioning from high school into “the real world” which gave me something to look forward to and place my focus on instead of centering my thoughts on my grief and loss. I’m not saying that I avoided my feelings; I just was able to process them quicker. It seems that because I had so much to look forward to, my mind just pushed me to continue forward. Then jump to 2019 when my stepdad dies, and I’ve already graduated college, done a considerable amount of traveling, moved to another country, and seemed to be starting to create a new life for myself and BAM. My world crumbled right in front of my eyes. This time I didn’t have anything significant to look forward to. I wasn’t dating anyone, not planning on having children anytime soon, and didn’t have any exotic travel plans. What was the next stage in my life that I could put my focus on?
My mind kept telling me to buy a plane ticket and get away and just be alone, but my heart told me to move back home and be with my family. For once in my life, I listened to my heart. The months following my dad’s passing were filled with tears, questioning, soul searching, connecting with friends who were experiencing the same pain that I was, and trying to find my life path. I allowed myself to sit with my grief and truly feel it. Allow it to wash over me, and I gave myself space to be sad, which, if you know me, you know that I have the unhealthy habit of avoiding being sad. I faced the rawest and ugliest emotions that surfaced, and instead of suppressing them, I allowed them and myself just to be. I allowed myself to feel. I made space for the negative. I realized that the more I allowed myself to be washed over with emotions and let myself be vulnerable, the more I began to feel like myself again.
I’m not going to say that allowing yourself to feel these emotions of heartache, incredible sadness, and uncontrollable grief is an easy task. That is a lie. It is extremely tough. It is opening old wounds and new ones and allowing life to dump salt all over them and endure the pain in order to heal your heart. There are days when you just want to feel no longer, and you would pay someone to deplete you of all emotions and feelings. Then there are days that you beg that the sadness and numbness will go away, and your heart will be filled with joy again. You almost feel guilty for wanting to be happy because you want to honor your loved one and the hole in your heart that they left behind, but at the same time, you know that they would want you to feel bliss again and to live your life to the fullest and fill that hole with new memories.
If I were to sit here and tell you that during this past year, I never experience joy or happiness, I would be a liar. There were moments when I experienced joy. There were days when my heart didn’t hurt as much. I had moments that made me smile and made me think, “Finally, I’m getting better.” But as anyone who has dealt with grief will tell you, there is no timeline to grief. You may feel on top of the world one day, and the next day you have this overwhelming sadness sweep over you and feels as though you took 20 steps backward. On days when I would feel this extreme sadness and emptiness, I would blame myself for not feeling better, for not being “better” with processing my dad’s death. I would tell my mom that I was so mad at myself for not being where I thought I should be in the process. I naturally put a lot of pressure on myself to be “strong” and to get over things quickly, but it doesn’t matter how much you want your sadness to go away, your heart doesn’t go according to your timeline, it creates its own.
Death creates an end and a beginning in the life timelines of those left behind. For me, my dad dying also marked the departure of who I was before. The person who I believed myself to be was no longer. I would stand in front of the mirror and not recognize the person looking back. I felt like a shell of the person I once was. I thought I died with him, except I was still physically here. What I didn’t realize is that although part of me ceased to exist on that day, a new piece of me was being born.
Although this new beginning started with sadness and grief from my dad’s death, it has also been filled with soul searching, healing, self-discovery, and self-love. It has sent me on a spiritual journey that, to be honest, if my dad wouldn’t have died, I probably would have never embarked on it. I began to rediscover passions that I felt like I had lost, such as writing. I am constantly evolving and discovering who I am. This isn’t to say that I no longer experience moments of sadness or grief.
02/02/2020 marked exactly one year since my dad died. The weeks leading up to that date felt so dreadful to me. I didn’t want to experience it, and I tried to avoid it at all costs. I was in Panamá, traveling around the country, and visiting friends and one thing that I knew was that day I didn’t want to spend it in the city. I wanted to be on a beach. I tried to convince a friend to come along, but I ended up going alone.
On the morning of his death anniversary, I woke up and looked at pictures of my dad, and instead of crying, I said thank you. Thank you for being with me during this past year. Thank you for pushing me to keep moving forward. Thank you for the signs that you send me that you are with me. Thank you for taking care of me. Thank you for helping me rediscover my passions. Then I thanked him for making it possible for me to take that day and spend it on an island in the middle of the Caribbean.
The island that I escaped to is remote and two hours away from the city, and the best part is that there is no cellphone signal. The only other people on the island were a couple visiting from Chile. I was able to be alone and cut off from the outside world so that I could be with my thoughts and my emotions. I had been avoiding this day for weeks because I kept fearing the extreme sadness I would feel, but on that day, I didn’t feel sad. I didn’t feel empty. Instead, I felt grateful and happy for having my dad be a part of my life for so many years. I enjoyed my own company, and I reflected on how far I had come in the past year.
Being on that beach reminded me of what it is like to feel alive. The waves crashing against the shore and the sand between my toes created a sensation of overwhelming happiness. My heart felt what it hadn’t in the past twelve months. It felt full. For a moment, I felt almost guilty for not being sad the entire day, and that’s when I saw a hummingbird in the palm tree where I was sitting. Hummingbirds and butterflies are my signs from my dad. I knew that it was my dad reassuring me that it was alright to be happy and that he was with me.
Reflecting on that day and this past year as a whole, I can confidently say that it has been a whirlwind of emotions and endless self-questioning. I know that there will be days in the future in which I will cry because I miss him telling me that it is all going to work out or simply because I want him here to share in my happiness. My dad may not physically be here, but he is with me every single second of the day. On my darkest days, when I feel like I need him the most, my reoccurring dream almost comes true, I can feel a weight around my shoulder, and there is a voice in my head that says, “Let’s do this.” And here I am, doing it, one day at a time.
This post is dedicated to the memory of my stepdad, Barry Glenn Gernert. He showed me that being a father isn’t by blood; it is based on the love that you have for your children, and he loved us more than anything. I love you Dad.
A new year typically means a new beginning, and with that fresh start comes new dreams. I figure what better way to start 2020 than publishing my bucket list for 2020. I have chosen the Top 10 Destinations that I would like to visit in 2020. Does making this list mean that I will be able to check everything off? No, it doesn’t, but it takes zero dollars to dream and only you to believe in yourself. I think it will be fun to look back on this list at the end of 2020 and see what I was able to accomplish this year.
1. Bora Bora
This will always be on my bucket list until I visit. I have been dreaming of Bora Bora for as long as I can remember, and with it being one of the most exotic and expensive destinations, it has remained at number one for years. Bora Bora looks like paradise on Earth, and if it is anything like the Maldives, then it is paradise. I’ve had friends go and tell me about how amazing their experience was, and honestly, it just gives me more motivation to go.
2. Day of the Dead in México
I lived in México for three years, and I never went to Michoacán or Oaxaca for Day of the Dead, which is something I wish I would have done. Michoacán and Oaxaca are the epicenters for Day of the Dead celebrations in Mexico. Although I believe everything happens for a reason and I probably didn’t participate in any Day of the Dead activities back then because I was too young and immature to cherish the moment truly. One of my goals this year is to participate in Día de Los Muertos (Day of the Dead) festivities. Although the name Day of the Dead sounds morbid, the truth is that it is more of a celebration of life than it is death.
3. Burning Man 2020
Burning Man is an annual festival in the desert (Black Rock Cities) where artists and creatives alike come together to create art, passion, and experiences that ensure memories that will last a lifetime. Before Burning Man became a popular event for influencers, it was something that I always wanted to experience. I love art and music, and combining both of those into one event where people feel free to express themselves in whatever way they choose, is the best-case scenario. It’s the modern-day Woodstock with new-age hippies. My friends who have gone said that they did not return as the same person. They were enlightened, and their hearts were full, and I want to experience that same feeling.
4. Cappadocia, Turkey
I am addicted to travel content on Instagram, and one of the things that I see posted the most is Cappadocia, Turkey. I’ve been to Istanbul, and while I was there, I really wanted to make it to Cappadocia, but I was limited on time. What brings so many people to go to Cappadocia? Hot air balloons. Cappadocia has daily hot air balloon rides over rock formations that surround the city. The videos and pictures are almost fairytale-esque. I’ve always dreamed of going on one of the famous hot air balloon rides over Cappadocia, and I will not give up on this dream until it is accomplished.
5. Dublin, Ireland
I have tried to go to Dublin on two different occasions, and each time something happened with the flights, and they had to be canceled or changed to where Dublin was no longer part of the itinerary. Why do I want to go to Dublin so bad? The truth is that through meeting people while traveling and being told their experiences, Dublin sounds like a fun city with such a distinct culture that it must be experienced at least once in my lifetime. Not only do I want to visit Dublin, but I want to experience the Irish countryside for myself. The travel photos that I see are breathtaking, and since I love hiking and nature, what better place to experience both? Plus, the third try is a charm.
6. Machu Picchu, Perú
What is a bucket list without one of the wonders of the world? Unless you have already checked all seven off, then no bucket list is complete without at least one of the wonders. I previously had a trip to Peru planned out, which included seeing Machu Picchu, but destiny stepped in and decided that I would break my ankle a week before the trip. Needless to say, Machu Picchu didn’t happen. My dreams of Machu Picchu may have been put on hold, but that doesn’t mean that they have gone away. I want to be able to sit and look down on the valley in which it sits and take in the panoramic views while trying to breathe it all in. Also, where else can you get an alpaca selfie with epic views?
7. Monteverde, Costa Rica
I lived in Costa Rica’s southern neighbor, Panamá, and on multiple occasions, I said that I wanted to go to Costa Rica. For one reason or another, I never made it. Costa Rica is known for its beaches and jungles, which in all honesty, Panamá has plenty of as well. The real reason why I want to go to Costa Rica has nothing to do with jungle and beaches, although they will be enjoyed while I am there. I want to go to Costa Rica for their hummingbirds. You read that right. Hummingbirds. In Monteverde, Costa Rica, there is a hummingbird sanctuary where not only can you see different species of hummingbirds, but they will land on your hands. I love hummingbirds, and everyone in my family feels a close connection to them. The videos that I have seen of hummingbirds flying around people in Monteverde are what dreams are made of.
8. Cinque Terre, Italy
Although I have been to Italy on several occasions, I have never made it to Cinque Terre. Cinque Terre is Italian for “Five Lands,” and the reason for the name is that Cinque Terre consists of five coastal towns in Italy. If you google it, you will see that the houses in each of the towns are colorful and vibrant and sit upon cliffs with the sea below them, it creates a beautiful view beyond Instagram worthy. Cinque Terre is what pops into my mind when I think of Italy. Most people think of Rome, Milan, or Florence, but not I. Cinque Terre has been on my bucket list for a while, and each time I have been to Italy, I later regret not going to Cinque Terre. I plan to make visiting Cinque Terre, the number one thing that I do the next time I am in Italy.
9. Petra, Jordan
As I mentioned earlier, no bucket list is complete without one of the wonders of the world, and this bucket list just so happens to have two wonders of the world. Petra is a city created by tombs and temples carved into pink sandstone cliffs. It is an archeological site that brings thousands of tourists each year to the middle of the southern Jordanian desert. I don’t know if it is the pink sandstone or the fact that Petra seems to be in the “middle of nowhere” that attracts me the most and makes me want to go there. There is also the other obvious factor that it is a world wonder, but either way, it is a place that I have always wanted to experience for myself.
10. Marrakech, Morocco
Last, but definitely not least, is Marrakech. Since the very first time that I went to Spain, I wanted to take a ferry to Morocco. One of the reasons why I never did was because of time constraints on each of my trips, but it was always something that I wanted to do. Part of the appeal of Morocco is the fact that it is part of Africa, and prior to 2017, I had never been to any country on the African continent. Currently, I have only been to one, Egypt. Morocco has this North Africa meets Middle East vibe to it, seeing how most of the country speaks Arabic and is Muslim, and the preferred form of travel through the desert is still via camel. Not only does it have a distinct culture, but they also have one of the coolest accommodations that I have seen. Riads. Riads are Moroccan guesthouses that you can rent while in Marrakech, they are basically luxury Airbnbs. Marrakech seems exotic, luxurious, and cultured, which are three things that can’t always be found in one destination, and it is one of the reasons why I want to visit so badly.
This wraps up my 2020 Bucket List. Although it is a bucket list/dream list, I also consider it a list of goals. As you can see, some of these destinations and things to do have been on my bucket list for many years, and some are newer. 2020 may just be the year that I accomplish them all. Either way, the best way to turn your dreams into reality is to set them as goals and watch as you go ticking each off one by one.
I hope my 2020 Bucket List has inspired you to start writing down the destinations that you would love to visit during 2020, and don’t forget that no place is either too big or too impossible to visit. Below I have included photos of places that were once bucket list destinations/dreams that over the years I have been able to mark off of my list. Just remember that no dream is ever too big. When there is a will, there is a way.
2019 started like any other year, filled with hope, happiness, and exciting plans to put into action. The only difference to the start of my 2019 ways that I rang it in by jumping on a hotel bed in Nepal with one of my best friends. I said exactly what most of us declare for the New Year, “This is going to be my year.” Flash forward to December of 2019, and as I reflect on this year, I could easily say that 2019 beat me down and dragged me down the curb a few times over, but the honest truth is, 2019 was a year that I needed to experience and the reminder that life is precious, make the most of it.
When I reflect on this year and think of the best words to use to describe it, the only two that come to mind are growth and transformation, and to be honest, growth and transformation are rarely a pretty process. They are both pretty ugly, and none of us want to experience them, but life makes sure that we do when we need it the most.
Almost two weeks after saying that 2019 was mine for the taking, I got bit by a street dog in Colombia, which at first was just a few puncture wounds, no big deal. Or so I thought. Quickly it escalated to cellulitis of the hand. Next thing that I know, I’m in the E.R. in Cartagena being told that what they said was the rabies injection that I thought they had given to me the day of the bite, was actually a tetanus shot. There I sat, in an E.R. in Colombia, being told that I need to get a double dose of the rabies vaccine ASAP. Also that if the antibiotics that they prescribed to me didn’t get rid of the infection in my arm, then there was literally nothing that anyone could do. I felt defeated, but the show must go on, so I continued on my merry way while taking antibiotics both orally and injected and prayed that I didn’t have rabies. Thankfully, I did not contract rabies. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be writing this right now because I would be dead.
Colombia thankfully was only a small scare, but looking back on it now, it was just a precursor to what would be the rest of my year. Two weeks after my Colombian street dog adventure, I was back in the U.S. visiting my family and friends and taking a course to become a certified medical interpreter. Since I was in town, I made plans with my stepdad to go out to eat with him and his mom (my grandmother) and catch up. The day we were supposed to meet up, a polar vortex hit our city, and there was no way in the world that he or I were going to leave our houses because we both despise cold weather. We canceled our original plans and decided I would visit him at his home two days later.
When I went to his house, we talked for a few hours about everything that had happened since the last time we saw each other. I told him about my motorcycle accident on my 30th birthday in Colombia, having raging food poisoning on the streets of India, and my most recent adventure, my brush in with a Colombian street dog. In typical dad fashion, he shook his head in disbelief and dismay. He told me to start being more careful and to quit going on these crazy trips because something always happens to me. (There is nothing but the truth in what he said.)
After hearing my crazy stories, he asked me when would I move back home because he missed me, and he wanted me back home. He said he thought the best thing for me was to go home for a while and be with my family and spend time with everyone. I told him that I was going to try to get my interpreter certification so I could come back home and work as an interpreter for a bit and then head back to Panamá, and if everything went according to plan, I would move back around March. I told him that when I moved back, we would start going on walks together and hanging out to make up for the missed time. When we got around to saying our goodbyes, I promised him that I would be back sooner than he knew. He told me to give him a hug, and as I did, he squeezed me extremely tight like he always did, and then told me that he loved me. He started crying, and I said, “I love you too, dad. Why are you crying?” He said, “I just love you so much. I love you so much.” He gave me a kiss on the forehead and another tight hug, and I was on my way. Little did I know, I would never be able to take another walk with him or visit with him again. My dad died a day and a half later of a heart attack in his sleep. I was the last person to see him alive and to talk to him.
My dad’s death triggered a downward spiral in my life. I had forgotten what it felt like to lose someone that you love and how your heart feels like it is shattering into a million pieces when you hear that someone who you love is no longer here. I am not a stranger to loss or grief. When I was in high school, I lost two grandparents and my father the morning after my high school graduation. Loss and grief and I had already met face to face when I was younger, but now what I was 30 and hadn’t felt that pain in my many years, I had forgotten how absolutely horrible it is.
My dad (stepdad) was in my life since I was four years old, and he was what I believed to be the best dad. The day that he married my mom, he got down on one knee with two rings in his hand and asked my sister and me if we would be his family. From that day forward, we were his daughters. I never questioned if my stepdad loved us because he demonstrated it to us daily. His actions spoke louder than words, and where I felt a lack of love from my biological father, my stepdad would try to make up for it by always telling me how proud he was of me and how much he loved me. I always knew that I could count on him for anything I needed, and he would always be there for me. He helped get me through some of the toughest moments in my life when my grandfather and my father passed away. He pushed me to move forward, and he was always one of my biggest fans. When he passed away this year, my world felt like it fell apart. I lost someone who loved me no matter what, who always had my back even when I messed up and who would remind me of how great I could be even when I couldn’t see it. My soul felt crushed after I found out that he had passed away.
He passed away February 2nd, and the months following his passing were filled with numbness, sadness, and pain. I couldn’t understand why my stepdad passed away right before I was planning to move back home. We had made plans to hang out together and see each other, and now it was all gone. I didn’t know why it happened, and I knew I was never going to get the answer. Someone who I loved dearly was taken away from me without any warning. I was mad at the world.
After I moved back home in March, I went through months of not understanding, being depressed, and just feeling as if I was never going to get back to feeling like “myself” again. It wasn’t until July, the month of both of our birthdays, that I started to feel true happiness again. I was traveling around my state and other cities nearby, spending time in nature and taking photographs of butterflies and flowers. As I started to feel better and think about what it is I want out of life, I realized that I wanted to finally do something that I had been talking about for years. I wanted to start a blog and discuss travel and tell all of my crazy stories to the world. I kept going back and forth on if I should or if I shouldn’t, and if I started it, what should I name it? From a little help from my friend’s mother and a sign from my stepdad (a butterfly), I came up with the name Janel Has Wings, and then I got online and researched how to start a blog. The rest is history.
I am not the same person that I was starting in 2019, and I know that I will never be. I moved back home, which was something that I never truly wanted to do, I lost my stepdad, two grandparents, and a friend, and I was working a job that I didn’t enjoy which is something that I said I would never do again. All of this combined reminded me that life is fleeting, and we should make the most of it while we can. Life will never be perfect, and there will be problems and loss, but there will also be those really incredible moments that make it worth it. If anything I’ve learned in 2019, it is to allow myself to feel “negative” emotions but never give up. It took feeling like I had lost it all to find myself again. I’m thankful for 2019 and the life lessons that accompanied it, no matter how hard they were. I know that walking into 2020, I am a totally different person than I was at the beginning of 2019, and I know that 2020 will push me to continue to grow and transform myself into the person I am meant to be.
P.S. Thanks, Dad, for the wings! 💖
“May the tears you have cried in 2019 water the seeds that you are planting for 2020.” -Steve Maraboli
