Until It Is Time to Find a Bigger Pot.
I recently met someone who reminds me a lot of myself in certain ways and yet we are different in others. However, we have one huge thing in common. We know we’re not happy living where we are currently living. He lives in Portugal and I live in the U.S. two places that most people would love to live in here we are living in each respective country because we have to, not because we truly want to.
We were both discussing how we have this deeper knowing that we weren’t meant to be where we are currently. After multiple discussions about where we would each rather be, I started to reflect on my decisions and life circumstances that led me back to Louisville, Kentucky, a place that I said I would never return to.
When I officially left Louisville to move to Panamá and “begin my life” I said I was never coming back to live, only to visit. Then my dad died and my plans flew out of the window. There is a saying in Spanish, “Si quieres verle sonreír a Dios, cuentale tus planes.” Which translates to, “If you want to see God smile, tell him/her your plans.”
I feel like the last three years of my life have been a true testament to that saying. My plans before my dad died were to move to Panamá, get established, become successful, build a home, and live happily next to the water. Flash forward and the closest body of water near me is the most polluted river in the United States. As appealing as that may sound (inserts sarcasm), it’s definitely not where I imagined I’d be right now in this moment. Part of me hates that I’m here and the other part of me truly believes that everything happens for a reason.
I decided to move back home when my dad died for a temporary six-month stint. I was going to come back, and grieve his death surrounded by family and friends who knew him and others who knew just me but understood the relationship he and I had and the impact that his death had upon me. I thought, “If I’m going to heal, I need to do it surrounded by people that I don’t have the explain the depth and complexity of our relationship to.” I also thought, plus, I’ll make money waiting tables and bartending, save up and go back to Panamá with some extra money and start focusing on starting my own business. Again, God/The Universe/Higher Power/Whatever you believe in is laughing their ass off right now because three years have passed and yet here I am.
For the longest time I’ve felt stuck and yet I know that I am not stuck.
The reason why I say that I am not stuck is that I’ve felt stuck before. I used to work a corporate job that I absolutely hated. The money was great, but I was miserable. I was treated like trash because I was an intelligent woman with an opinion who wasn’t afraid to stand up for herself. Unsurprisingly, those are the exact characteristics that the majority of corporate America hates. I felt stuck because the money was great and everyone told me how lucky I was to earn so much and to have a great job. The doubts and insecurities of not being able to find a job and finding a job but making less of an income are what kept me sitting at a desk being miserable five days a week. I knew it wasn’t the place for me but because I was making an above-average income, I ignored the voice inside me that kept saying, “Get the hell out of here.”
I knew eventually the day would come that I had enough and I would just walk away. Apart from being treated horribly, the company started to do things that went completely against my morals. I didn’t know exactly when, but I knew eventually it would happen because one thing about me is that when my soul feels like I’m not listening to my intuition, something drastic will happen and I will be forced to listen. Knowing that eventually that day would come and I would need some encouragement to finally leave, I wrote a quote on an index card and put it in front of my computer so I was forced to read it every day.
“If you don’t like where you are, move! You are not a tree!” – Jim Rohn
The day finally came when life said, if you’re refusing to leave, we will have to shake things up a bit. That day was mysteriously the day right before I was going on vacation back to Panamá. A place that had already won my heart previously. I didn’t quit but I decided, I’m going on vacation and when I get back I’ll decide whether I stay here or I leave.
While sitting on a boat in the middle of some of the bluest water in Panamá, I looked over at my mom who was with me and I said, “I’m quitting my job and I’m moving to Panamá.” My mom being old enough and wise enough to pick her battles, knew this wasn’t one she would win. She knew that it didn’t matter if she was against the idea, my strong will was going to do whatever my mind decided, her only response was, “OK.” We returned to the U.S. Sunday evening and I was set to return to the shitty job that I hated at 8 a.m. the next day. I woke up and instead of preparing to go to work, I sat at my computer and wrote my resignation letter. The company I worked for would accept two weeks’ notice but because we had access to private information they would remove you from the building immediately. I didn’t give them the pleasure. I typed the resignation and hit send at exactly 8 a.m. and never looked back.
I look back on that moment in my life and I realize that the entire time that I felt stuck, I never was. What made me feel stuck was the security. The knowing that every two weeks I would have a paycheck and I would be able to afford the expensive things that I enjoy such as travel.
I’m currently looking at my life now and I realize that I’m not stuck, I’m secure. I am stable and secure. I have the stability of knowing that I’ll be paid every two weeks enough to allow me to survive another two weeks and I have the security that my family is here.
And yet – I still do not want to be here.
This brings me back to how this whole thing started. While my friend and I were complaining about our current situations and the circumstances that prevent us from living where we truly want to be, (him in the U.S. and me in Panamá) we also both discussed just how absolutely lucky we are. Most people in third-world countries are dying to make it out. They either want to head to Europe or the U.S. to live the “American dream” and yet we’re sitting here expressing how miserable we are while living what others can only dream of.
From the outside, it looks like two privileged people whining about how bad they have it when in reality, they’ve got it pretty good. The truth is, yes, it is somewhat ridiculous but it is also valid. Both of our souls know what they want, life and circumstances are just standing in our way. It takes looking at your own life from a different perspective to realize that even though we aren’t where we want to be at this moment, we are where we are meant to be in this moment. What the conversations that he and I have shared lately have taught me, apart from there are people who feel exactly the same way that I do, is that I will no longer use the words, “I’m stuck.”
I’m not stuck.
I’m stable, I’m secure and I’m surviving. Stability and security are essential parts of life that not everyone can say they have. I understand that I am lucky to have them.
I also know that eventually life will come and force me to jump without the parachute again. And in that free fall, I will trust my intuition and my instincts yet again. I will expand my wings yet again. The push from the Universe will happen, when it will happen is the unknown.
All I know is that Panamá will be what breaks my fall.
P.S. This post is dedicated to João. Life determined that our paths were meant to cross. I’m glad that they intersected. We both needed to hear that we are not alone in our pursuit of the place we call “home.” I’m confident that our paths will reunite again either in Portugal, the U.S., or Panamá. Obrigada pelo nosso tempo juntos, tua companhia e nossas conversas. Besos y ya sabes que cuando quieras regresar a Panamá y conocer más la otra parte de tus raíces, ya tienes una guía. – Tu amiga Janel
