It’s been a long time since my last post, and to be honest, I didn’t think there would be another one. Not only had I lost my motivation to write and my connection to myself, but I’ve felt like I’ve lost my spark. I used to be so naturally high off life itself and felt like the human experience was the most beautiful thing, including the heartache and pain that comes with it. This past year has felt mundane and dull. That doesn’t mean it was void of extremely difficult moments because, trust me, there were a few months when I questioned if I was going to be able to make it. I had to constantly remind myself of one of my favorite personal sayings, “the only way to is through.”
For months, I’ve had the feeling that I needed to start writing again, but I kept subduing my inner voice by focusing on everything else. The fact is, when you’re constantly in survival mode, creativity takes a back seat—Writing? Instead of working and making more money? In this economy? Not ideal.
Therefore, my sole focus was to hustle to survive. Survival mode looks different for all of us. I’m aware that for some people, survival mode is surviving war, famine, assault, disease, etc. For me, survival was trying to afford life. Taking time to write felt like a selfish act. I felt like I wasn’t spending time on something that could get me closer to my goals; therefore, it was a waste of time. I realize now that it was a cheap excuse, but at the time, it was how I felt, and that version of myself didn’t know any better then. I forgive her.
This brings me to now, the reason why I am writing this. My “why” for starting my blog was to drag myself out of a deep, dark hole of depression and grief after the death of my stepdad. Writing is the most powerful tool that made me connect with that spark. I would sit and pour my soul onto my laptop and not think twice about it. And yet, this entire time, I’ve been searching for that same spark and I’ve refused to do the one thing that I know reignites it. Don’t get me wrong; I don’t think I’m a great writer. I’m far from it, but the one thing I do know is that when I write, it comes from my heart and soul. When I write, I am the truest version of myself. There is no denying that version of me. Which brings me to ask myself, was I not writing because I was trying to survive, or was I not writing because I was trying to ignore my emotions? Honestly, I don’t have that answer.
Sometimes the answers to our questions/problems are right in front of our eyes or rather right within us, but we refuse to listen. That voice that kept telling me to start writing again was begging for a chance to prove that it knew the way, and yet I kept ignoring it. As I said, I forgive that version of myself. She was just trying to make it.
As I mentioned earlier, this year has been filled with a special amount of trials and tribulations because, well, “adulting.” I don’t want to even get started on the trash-ass subject that is adulting but trust me when I say that if I could go back and tell God to make me a child for eternity, I would. This year, I’ve lost friendships that I thought were meant for a lifetime. A decision that I made years ago made a full comeback and smacked me straight in the face. It would lead to months of stress trying to figure out how to resolve it. Then, to add some spicy sprinkles on the top of the crazy cake that has been 2023, I decided to put myself back out into the dating world. I QUICKLY regretted that awful life choice. Zero out of ten, would not recommend.
Even though this year came with its own life lessons, I’m grateful that throughout it all, I’ve been healthy and capable of making it through. I’ve reconnected with some of my morning rituals that I had discontinued and started offering Reiki again. In the first part of the year, I travelled to Ireland and Scotland and visited one of my closest friends, which helped remind me how much I love to travel and how much I missed it. Slowly but surely, I’ve been starting to reconnect with my true self—the one that I had abandoned and ignored. The missing piece was what you have in front of you, my writing. I’ve decided that I’m not going to put any pressure into writing. I gave up the dream of having a famous travel blog a while ago because, let’s be honest, most people prefer to watch videos than read a blog. But I’m going to continue to write to find the words that connect me to my true self, and who knows, maybe they will connect someone else to theirs.
