Today marks exactly one month since my cousin took his own life. On November 11th, 2021, the unimaginable happened. My baby cousin decided to leave this world behind in hopes to end his suffering.
Death and loss are not foreign subjects to my family. We’re very well versed in death and grief, but to lose someone so young and by suicide has been by far the hardest thing my family has had to deal with and is still dealing with. I wanted to write something in regards to my cousin’s death because mental health, and especially men’s mental health, is a topic that we avoid, sweep under the carpet and negate.
Depression is real and it is a silent killer. Maybe this post will help someone find help or reach out for help. Maybe it will help someone going through the same type of loss feel like they’re not alone. Writing is my creative medium to process my emotions and I couldn’t keep this built up inside of me any longer. If what I write doesn’t help anyone else, it will help me and that’s a good enough reason to write it.
Suicide is often looked at as a selfish act. I have to disagree. Suicide is the ending of personal suffering that no one can comprehend besides that person. I don’t want to accept what my cousin did but I also refuse to blame him. Our minds can be our own personal infernos that we either feed the fire or try to fan out the flames. For some people, it’s impossible to escape. Ethan couldn’t find the way to end his internal battles even though he tried and unfortunately he lost his war with depression. He didn’t act out of selfishness, he acted out of desperation.
Losing Ethan has left a huge gap in my family and we’re all walking around with an invisible open, bleeding wound, that we’re trying to figure out how to cauterize and eventually heal. None of us are ok and we shouldn’t be expected to be either. When we first found out, it felt like we were trapped inside of an endless nightmare. I had a tiny dot of hope that it was just that, a nightmare that I would wake up from. In my mind, it couldn’t be real. Not Ethan.
Now, a month later, the hopes of it being just a nightmare have disappeared and the heartbreaking fact that this is reality has taken over. The holidays are right around the corner and no one in my family is looking forward to them. I can’t imagine a Christmas without Ethan telling jokes and his distinct laugh. I can’t imagine eating Christmas dinner and not discussing politics and the deplorable state of the world with Ethan. This is not the way it was meant to be yet I have to accept that this is now the way things are.
To better understand why this loss is so devastating you must understand Ethan’s legacy. He was the kid with a heart of gold. The guy who would give you his shirt off his back or the last dollar to his name if you needed it. He helped others who were struggling and oftentimes those who he helped had no idea of his own internal struggles.
In 2020, when the world seemed to be on fire and the number of injustices that happen in this country seemed to be at a record high, Ethan took to the streets to protest and fight for justice. Just like his late father, he refused to stay idle. He was heavily involved in fighting for what he believed in and did all that he could to make this world a better place. We would always discuss what a mess the world was even before 2020 and how it seemed that no one cared. Ethan cared. He cared so much that seeing all of the suffering and cruelty in this world was too much for him to bear.
On the day of his funeral, hundreds of people showed up to say their goodbyes. It was amazing to watch how many lives Ethan impacted. My aunt said that if only Ethan could have felt the love that was in that room then maybe he wouldn’t have done what he did. The guy with the biggest heart and who loved so deeply didn’t realize how much he was loved in return. I know in my heart that if he would have thought for a moment that he would be hurting anyone by taking his own life then he would have never done it. He would never intentionally hurt or harm anyone much less the people who loved him so much.
The terrible truth is we will all have to live with an unknown for the rest of our lives. We don’t know Ethan’s thoughts or what led him to make his decision. None of us were in his head and we can only speculate. What we can do is continue to honor his legacy of being a good human being. We must continue to show through examples of love and caring that there are still good people out in the world. That’s what he would want us to do and that is how he should be remembered.
At the funeral, one of my bosses told Ethan’s sister, “I’m sorry for your loss.” and replied to him, “I’m sorry for the world’s loss.” That sums up exactly how I feel. I’m sorry for the world’s loss. My family didn’t just lose someone who we love with all of our hearts, the world lost the biggest heart and a beam of light that day.
A few days after his service, I had multiple dreams of just Ethan and in each of them, he was smiling and laughing. I could hear his laugh so clearly and it was so realistic that I felt like I was physically with him. I woke up crying because of how realistic the dreams were. I believe that those dreams were his way of telling me that he is happy and at peace. I know that at this moment, he is with my Uncle Michael, his father, and the rest of our family members who have passed before him and he is happy and at peace.
Death marks an ending and a beginning. It is an ending of a beautiful life and the beginning of a long process of healing and learning to continue on while someone is missing. Now my family and I are left to heal our broken hearts knowing that we will never be the same.
Ethan, you are loved and will be forever missed.
P.S. I will always remember you as the little boy running around his house in his favorite Robin t-shirt with Woody cowboy boots on and a red, plastic firefighter hat on top of your head. 
