When any year comes to an end, we all reflect on what the year has been for us. Most of the time, we run down the list of accomplishments, failures, or major life events such as deaths, weddings, babies, etc. This year, everyone’s most significant achievement is surviving.
We often don’t give ourselves enough credit for simply making it through an awful year. If you are reading this and are beginning to reflect on what you accomplished, what you should have done, what you wanted to do, and couldn’t, let me stop you right there. You are alive, and you are breathing. This year dug its claws into the sides of most people and wreaked havoc. If you’ve made it to December 31st, 2020, then thank yourself. Thank yourself for being able to endure a roller coaster ride that none of us asked to ride.
For me, 2020 wasn’t my worst year. I know people are shocked when I say that 2020 wasn’t my worst year, but trust me, I’ve hit rock bottom and found that it had a basement years ago. For me, 2020 was a blessing, and I’m grateful for the gift that this year has been for me. While saying this, some people are being evicted from their homes, young children are starving, someone is breathing their last breath in an ICU bed alone, and some people’s mental health is at its worst. I recognize that to be able to say that 2020 is a blessing is a privilege, and I acknowledge it fully and my heart truly goes out to those who have lost everything this year. I hope and pray that 2021 brings you nothing but blessings.
For me, 2020 wasn’t the year in which I accomplished anything, and being someone who prides themselves on checking everything off on their long list of goals, that’s a hard pill to swallow. In fact, I lost a lot when most people look at what happened, but I feel like I gained so much more.
Starting from the beginning of the pandemic, I lost my jobs; all forms of income flew out of the window. I had no clue how I would survive. I had agreed to take a position and move to Italy in May pre-pandemic. We all know how that eventually went since I continue to sit in the U.S. Since Italy was no longer part of the picture, I interviewed with a specific government branch. I made it through the entire hiring process and was 95% guaranteed the job. This was a huge relief considering I had been three weeks without employment and was losing my mind on how I would make money.
At the very end of the hiring process, I was only waiting to receive the formal paperwork; they informed me that they couldn’t offer me the job because I had lived outside the U.S. 3 out of the last five years. I guess I can spend the entire first 18 years of my life in the U.S., and those count for nothing. Who knew. Either way, I didn’t get the job, and it was one that I wasn’t going to have a single financial worry, ever. Finding out that I wasn’t qualified for a government job because I’ve lived a life outside of the U.S. triggered me to thinking of just leaving the country altogether, again. I considered moving back to Panamá since I figured if I have to be stuck somewhere might as well be stuck somewhere with nice weather.
The roller coaster ride of figuring out what I was going to do continued for months. I had no clue what I was going to do with my life, where I wanted to be, what I wanted to be. No clue. I honestly still don’t have all the answers to those questions, but let’s be honest, who does?
This roller coaster ride also included a moment of emotional vulnerability. At the height of quarantine, I decided it was time to confess my feelings for a friend. After years of not wanting to admit how I felt, not acknowledging that I have feelings, and having more walls built around my heart than Fort Knox, I decided it was time to be vulnerable. Besides, what else did I have to lose this year?
I had the genius idea of writing a handwritten letter to a friend and confessing my feelings for them. It was like a flashback to kindergarten when we wrote those notes to each other, “Do you want to be my boyfriend?” Circle yes or no. Except this was the 31-year-old version where I explained how I had feelings for him but never had the guts to say anything because I feared messing up our friendship. I didn’t want to ruin years of friendship by having feelings for him, but I figured it’s now or never. I poured my heart out onto the pages and left nothing unsaid. He kindly returned me to the friend zone in which I belong.
Although confessing my feelings, something that I never do if I honestly like someone, was a huge step as far as I’m concerned. I probably would have never told him if it hadn’t been for this crazy year. It would have been my secret that I took with me to the grave, and we would have continued being friends, him having no clue how I felt and me pretending that I didn’t care when deep down, I do care. It was also a friendly reminder that it’s ok to be vulnerable. Vulnerability is what most of us avoid, but we would probably see more rewards if we were more willing to risk it. I may have ended up in the friend zone, but I am proud of myself for taking the risk and also getting the weight of my feelings off of my chest. Zero regrets.
Although I just explained some of my many low points this year, thankfully, one disappointment after another this year led me to continue to go within and figure out who I am, what I want, and what is for my highest good. Facing myself and my fears of not being successful, being rejected, being stuck in one place, not traveling, etc., and work through every one of them has been the biggest blessing 2020 could have given me. Any other year I would be too busy traveling, working, living life to the fullest that I wouldn’t take the time to go within and ask myself, “What is it that you want?” I don’t have all of the answers; no one does, but I’m still searching for them, and that’s the best anyone can do.
2020 stopped me in my tracks and forced me to take the time to sit with myself and work through a lot of the things that I kept pushing to the side. Most of us want to leave everything behind in 2020 and start fresh tomorrow when we wake up. However, I want to carry some things that I’ve learned in 2020 with me into 2021.
The first one is gratitude and being grateful for everything. I’m grateful for this year of hard lessons, my health, my family’s health, and my many friends who have supported me this year. I’m grateful for it all. The second one is vulnerability. Remembering that showing feelings and having feelings isn’t a sign of weakness; it’s a sign of strength. The third is my health. I want to continue to stay on a healthy path where I focus on my physical, mental and emotional health. As they say, “You can’t pour from an empty cup.” so I am going to continue to fill mine so I can serve others.
2020 may have been the year we never wanted, but it is the year in which a lot of our eyes opened to see what matters the most. In the end, all we have is our health, our family, our friends, and our thoughts and feelings. The rest of it means nothing. Instead of saying, F*** You, 2020, I’d like to say Thank you, 2020.
Happy New Year friends,
Janel
P.S. This video of Snoop Dogg thanking himself is what all of us need to be doing at the end of 2020.
