Until It Is Time to Find a Bigger Pot.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

I recently met someone who reminds me a lot of myself in certain ways and yet we are different in others. However, we have one huge thing in common. We know we\u2019re not happy living where we are currently living. He lives in Portugal and I live in the U.S. two places that most people would love to live in here we are living in each respective country because we have to, not because we truly want to.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We were both discussing how we have this deeper knowing that we weren\u2019t meant to be where we are currently. After multiple discussions about where we would each rather be, I started to reflect on my decisions and life circumstances that led me back to Louisville, Kentucky, a place that I said I would never return to.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When I officially left Louisville to move to Panam\u00e1 and \u201cbegin my life\u201d I said I was never coming back to live, only to visit. Then my dad died and my plans flew out of the window. There is a saying in Spanish, \u201cSi quieres verle sonre\u00edr a Dios, cuentale tus planes.\u201d Which translates to, \u201cIf you want to see God smile, tell him\/her your plans.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I feel like the last three years of my life have been a true testament to that saying. My plans before my dad died were to move to Panam\u00e1, get established, become successful, build a home, and live happily next to the water. Flash forward and the closest body of water near me is the most polluted river in the United States. As appealing as that may sound (inserts sarcasm), it\u2019s definitely not where I imagined I\u2019d be right now in this moment. Part of me hates that I\u2019m here and the other part of me truly believes that everything happens for a reason.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I decided to move back home when my dad died for a temporary six-month stint. I was going to come back, and grieve his death surrounded by family and friends who knew him and others who knew just me but understood the relationship he and I had and the impact that his death had upon me. I thought, \u201cIf I\u2019m going to heal, I need to do it surrounded by people that I don\u2019t have the explain the depth and complexity of our relationship to.\u201d I also thought, plus, I\u2019ll make money waiting tables and bartending, save up and go back to Panam\u00e1 with some extra money and start focusing on starting my own business. Again, God\/The Universe\/Higher Power\/Whatever you believe in is laughing their ass off right now because three years have passed and yet here I am.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For the longest time I\u2019ve felt stuck and yet I know that I am not stuck.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The reason why I say that I am not stuck is that I\u2019ve felt stuck before. I used to work a corporate job that I absolutely hated. The money was great, but I was miserable. I was treated like trash because I was an intelligent woman with an opinion who wasn\u2019t afraid to stand up for herself. Unsurprisingly, those are the exact characteristics that the majority of corporate America hates. I felt stuck because the money was great and everyone told me how lucky I was to earn so much and to have a great job. The doubts and insecurities of not being able to find a job and finding a job but making less of an income are what kept me sitting at a desk being miserable five days a week. I knew it wasn\u2019t the place for me but because I was making an above-average income, I ignored the voice inside me that kept saying, \u201cGet the hell out of here.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I knew eventually the day would come that I had enough and I would just walk away. Apart from being treated horribly, the company started to do things that went completely against my morals. I didn\u2019t know exactly when, but I knew eventually it would happen because one thing about me is that when my soul feels like I\u2019m not listening to my intuition, something drastic will happen and I will be forced to listen. Knowing that eventually that day would come and I would need some encouragement to finally leave, I wrote a quote on an index card and put it in front of my computer so I was forced to read it every day.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIf you don\u2019t like where you are, move! You are not a tree!\u201d \u2013 Jim Rohn<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

The day finally came when life said, if you\u2019re refusing to leave, we will have to shake things up a bit. That day was mysteriously the day right before I was going on vacation back to Panam\u00e1. A place that had already won my heart previously. I didn\u2019t quit but I decided, I\u2019m going on vacation and when I get back I\u2019ll decide whether I stay here or I leave.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

While sitting on a boat in the middle of some of the bluest water in Panam\u00e1, I looked over at my mom who was with me and I said, \u201cI\u2019m quitting my job and I\u2019m moving to Panam\u00e1.\u201d My mom being old enough and wise enough to pick her battles, knew this wasn\u2019t one she would win. She knew that it didn\u2019t matter if she was against the idea, my strong will was going to do whatever my mind decided, her only response was, \u201cOK.\u201d We returned to the U.S. Sunday evening and I was set to return to the shitty job that I hated at 8 a.m. the next day. I woke up and instead of preparing to go to work, I sat at my computer and wrote my resignation letter. The company I worked for would accept two weeks’ notice but because we had access to private information they would remove you from the building immediately. I didn\u2019t give them the pleasure. I typed the resignation and hit send at exactly 8 a.m. and never looked back.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I look back on that moment in my life and I realize that the entire time that I felt stuck, I never was. What made me feel stuck was the security. The knowing that every two weeks I would have a paycheck and I would be able to afford the expensive things that I enjoy such as travel.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m currently looking at my life now and I realize that I\u2019m not stuck, I\u2019m secure. I am stable and secure. I have the stability of knowing that I\u2019ll be paid every two weeks enough to allow me to survive another two weeks and I have the security that my family is here.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And yet \u2013 I still do not want to be here.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This brings me back to how this whole thing started. While my friend and I were complaining about our current situations and the circumstances that prevent us from living where we truly want to be, (him in the U.S. and me in Panam\u00e1) we also both discussed just how absolutely lucky we are. Most people in third-world countries are dying to make it out. They either want to head to Europe or the U.S. to live the \u201cAmerican dream\u201d and yet we\u2019re sitting here expressing how miserable we are while living what others can only dream of.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

From the outside, it looks like two privileged people whining about how bad they have it when in reality, they\u2019ve got it pretty good. The truth is, yes, it is somewhat ridiculous but it is also valid. Both of our souls know what they want, life and circumstances are just standing in our way. It takes looking at your own life from a different perspective to realize that even though we aren’t where we want to be at this moment, we are where we are meant to be in this moment. What the conversations that he and I have shared lately have taught me, apart from there are people who feel exactly the same way that I do, is that I will no longer use the words, \u201cI\u2019m stuck.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m not stuck.<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m stable, I\u2019m secure and I\u2019m surviving. Stability and security are essential parts of life that not everyone can say they have. I understand that I am lucky to have them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I also know that eventually life will come and force me to jump without the parachute again. And in that free fall, I will trust my intuition and my instincts yet again. I will expand my wings yet again. The push from the Universe will happen, when it will happen is the unknown. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

All I know is that Panam\u00e1 will be what breaks my fall.<\/p>\n\n\n\n